Have you told anybody you loved them today?
Nope.

What are your plans for the weekend?
Well tonight I'm going out with Carrie for a little while, then just TV and sleep.

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Nick

Have you ever slept in the same bed as your friends?
mhm

Who was the last person you IMed using Myspace or Facebook?
Ali.

How have you felt today?
Pretty decent. Was wicked tired at work, but now I am all showered and smell pretty and am excited to see a certain someone tonight.

Was this summer a good one?
I suppose.

Where did you get the pants you are wearing from?
Ceileidh aha. But she got them from a consignment shop for $3!!

Are you happy with life at the moment?
Sure =] could be happier but I'll take what I have

Are you a jealous person?
hahah usually, but not lately

Have you ever received a call that made you cry?
Oh yea

Do you love coffee?
HELL YES
(also, yes I am that classy)

Do you swear often?
Sometimes

Are you listening to any music?
Nope

Have you ever snuck someone over to your house?
tee hee yes

Have you done something bad today?
Nope, not yet ;]

Could you go the rest of your life without doing any drugs?
Yes.

Whats your favorite color?
Purple.

When's the last time you wanted to physically hurt someone?
Um, I'd say like 2 nights ago?

Honestly, if you could go back and change something in the past 5 months would you?
Yes...

Do you think everyone deserves a 2nd chance?
Not everyone.

Is the last person you texted a he or a she?
She!

What did you do today?
Woke up, went to work, got taco bell, came home, showered, did laundry, and am getting ready to go out with Carrie

What kind of phone do you have?
EnV2

Would you ever get a tattoo with someone's name on it?
Nopers

How late did you stay up last night?
2 ish

Whats bothering you right now?
I want things back. Also these stupid pimples.

Do you have a good relationship with your mother?
Nah

Would you consider yourself to be spoiled?
No

When someone says "We need to talk", what runs through your mind?
Somethings wrong

What is the first thing you thought of this morning?
"Holy crap that was a really nice dream"

Where was your profile picture taken?
Facebook, Ceileidhs house before homecoming. I dont remember the rest

What did you do for Halloween?
Scavenger Hunt.

Who are you talking to right now?
No one.

Does it bother you when your friends bring up your pasts mistakes?
Mostly, but I know sometimes I need to hear it even though it sucks =/

Where were you at 8 a.m?
At work x(

Is there anyone you would seriously punch right now if you had the chance?
Yes.

Have you ever brushed your teeth while in the shower?
Yep

When you walk passed a mirror do you stop and look at yourself?
Sometimes.

When you're getting ready for something, do you listen to music?
Mhm

Have you ever wished on a shooting star?
Yepyep

Do you feel like anyone is playing mind games with you right now?
Yes. And they really need to stop....well except for this one certain person

Do you know anyone who is bisexual?
haha yes, plenty =]

Who was the last person you had a conversation with on the phone?
Nick

Are you wearing any bracelets?
No

Has anyone ever made you feel like crap for something you did?
Yes >.<

How can people tell you're in a bad mood?
I dunno.

What are your plans for tomorrow?
School, home, therapy

How was your day?
Decent, its going to get better though

Are you excited for anything?
Si

Describe how you feel in one word:
Clean and smellgoody

What are you wearing at this exact moment?
Lacy black undies and bra (^_^), a blue cami, a black V neck shirt, ceileidhs jeans, black socks, and a blue sweater.

Life has been hectic. But still fun =]

We had spirit week at school and I did something for every day xD Decade day was epic, cause all my friends dressed as the 50's and we never even discussed it haha. So me and neil pretended that we were "dating" cause he was the big bad greaser and I was in my pearls and ruffled blouse xD.
IT was amazing.

Friday was PJ day and I feel up the stairs twice in front of everyone. xD Embarrasing, but funny. Then me and ceileidh went to her house and spent a long time getting pretty and prepared for homecoming xD We are such girls.

AND THEN, we were waiting for the boys to arrive and we were both giddy and nervous and totally freaked out when the doorbell rang but it turns out it was just the pizza delivery person. *smackshead* total fail haha but so funny.

So nick and chrisp were my TWO dates, and me and nick were cuddlebuddies the whole night. ALSO HIM AND CHRIS STARTED THE MOST AMAZING DANCE OFF AND IT FORMED INTO A HUGE CIRCLE!!!!

Ceileidh and Adam were adorable, and chris and nick were hysterical. After we all wentto BK, me and ceileidh in our jammies,and we all wore the paper BK crowns xD. i had a little deliema (sp?) but it cleared up. Then Ceileidh and Adam left and me,Nick, and Chrisp talked in british accents and then went bowling. Possible the most amazing night ive had in a long time.

AND THEN

When i got home and Carrie and I were texting about what we might want from the thing that is between us, and i think we came to a sort of understanding. I hope that our understanding isnt bothering her. That would be sad =[. But I actually ended up sneaking out to my driveway to give her a hug cause she was sad about something, and we chatted for over an hour. And held hands, and hugged alot. I feel bad for the predicament that she is in =[. Cause I know how she feels but theres really nothing someone can do other than give it time.

Also, the whole other situation I have given up on. Its the last time I allow myself to be hurt by this person who used to hold my heart. I am better than that. If she wants me, she can prove it and start treating me right. Otherwise, I am done.

BUT today is saturday and I definitly want coffee and Gilmore Girls so I am going to go do just those things. Adios =]

Also Im sorry....for pursuing something that I shouldve kept confined to my imaginative mind xP

I am stuck between feeling regret for my decisions, and complete indifference. In some ways, I dont even want it back, simply out of spite. And in other ways, its everything I need and want for the rest of my life. I was there for you in every way you could have possibly needed me, and even in ways you didnt. I loved you with such fiery passion that never died even through distance and time. I was your best friend, your lover, your soulmate, your companion, your shoulder to cry on, your laughter, your heart, your affection, your partner....And after all our promises of forever, it hurts that you decided it was okay to just break up without even giving me or yourself a chance to work on what you were going through. We could have made it through anything if you gave us a shot. If you gave me a shot. And now, I still care, but its becoming more and more apathetic each day. I sat at the foot our your hospital bed last night, holding your hand and watching you sleep, struggeling to breath and breaking out in cold sweats. I listened to your IV pump fluids and antibiotics into the arms I used to kiss when we spent hours just laying under the covers. I stroked your hair that I have brushed and fixed a million times before and placed cold washclothes on your forehead to keep your fever below 102. I got you tea when the nurses brought you coffee. I cried my eyes out, worrying about how sick you could be...knowing that beneath two layers of sheets you had cuts up and down your leg from the past 2 weeks. I bit my toungue when your whore of a "best friend" walked in and insulted me, and I asked her to let me know how you were doing when I left. Neither of you let me know. I have been wonderful to you. I put my whole heart into our relationship but now that you let me go you cannot expect that I will stay the same Portia you have known for the past three and a half years. You set me free, and I am taking the oppurtunities that arise to prove to myself that I am better than the shit you put me through for the past month and a half. I need to know I am worthy of someones feelings, and this is proving it. You need to stop judging and let me make my own decisions.
I am not a bad person for wanting this, and I refuse to feel any guilt for what I plan on doing. There are certain things I need to prove to myself, and I am fully determined to do just that. I gave you my whole heart, and you chose to give it back. Now I need to reclaim it and I this is allowing me to do just that. You, and everyone else that doesnt understand can just cool it for now, because I know that this is what I need to get through this. I am okay, and that bothers me.....

Ali is in the hospital because her throat closed up and she wasnt responding to her meds. I am so worried for her, but she wont let me see her.....And it annoys me that Alyssas there. I want to rip her fucking throat out for thinking that its her place to take care of MY ali....She is still mine to take care of, because regardless of if we are together or not, we are still the closest 2 friends can be. Alyssa just met her and its not fair. I should be there, not her.

And I went to get breakfast with Kyle this morning, and  that was nice but he gave me some advice. It was good advice too, just hard to hear. He pretty much said that this situation isnt fair to me and she is being selfish. That eventually it will get easier for me to be mad at her for what she did. That I'm not a hypocrite or a bad person for liking where things are going with the other girl.

*sigh* If only he knew.....

but yea, so im worried sick about ali and I'm frustrated with this one friend and I want to see this girl, and I want life to make sense again.

I went to see the fourth kind last night and it was amazing.

By the way.

Okay. Enough of my ranting. Im gonna go text this girl and get cheered up, and then maybe persuade ali to let me visit.

I 
am
pathetic.

"Have you eaten?" (in a message to Ali from Alix)
"and I was like "whaaaaat?"
Cheese and cake= mucho importante GSA topics
"'Jonny' doesnt like _____"....."no one does..."
"Omg I just totally sucked it!"
"Someones perfume smells good. Its probably Ms. Hathaways perfume. Lets go sniff her"
"YAYYY COMMON APP!"
"This is my third degree! Its embarrasing!"
:

Senior Year! I cant believe I made it. But im not done yet =) Ali is here. Which is incredibly amazing. We basically see eachother like everyother day, and its wonderful! She picks me up from work, looking super cute with her snakbites/spider bite thingers, and we hang out. Yesterday, it was our 1 year 7 month anniversary. xD we spent it by going to Tonys for pizza, then finding a hidden parking lot and cuddleing in the backseat of her car with blankets and pillows that we stash in her trunk for times like that =) it was pouring out, and we held eachother for hours =) At first she held my head in her lap and looks sweetlyu into my eyes and told me over and over how much she loves me....I could have died out of happiness....  Also i met her roomates, which totally are okay with us!!! We even were cuddeling in her bed when they were just chilling in the room! xD xD xD win win win!!!  As far as school stuff goes, i am fairly okay. I am a wee bit stressed over anatomy and honors spanish 2, but they are going decently so far. My guidance counselor told me that I will be accepted to URI by December, and not to worry because I will be okay. I think its a little silly how people are  driving themselves crazy with having to be the perfect student to get into the perfect Ivy League school. URI is fine by me, because its a good school and I know I can get the education I need for a price and location I love!  Anywho, Id better go study for Honors Spanish 2, because I have a quiz on wednesday and I want an A! :) I know that no matter what, my future is going to be okay. I am fine the way I am, and its really good that I am okay with this now. Also, I asked to only be scheduled on the weekends and they agreed!! So I am not so stresed. plus, only 6 more classes of Drivers Ed untill my permit! xD

Okay, what is up brain?? Why are you thinking about al this stuff you have no business thinking about? You know till be okay, and how your feeling now will subside. You dont actually mean it.

 Life is interesting.
Not bad, considering I saw Mr. Baby Luke today, and he lit up my world. My aunt Sarah said today that if it werent for the breast feeding that she provides, I would be better with him than even HER! 
Which, dorkishly, makes me happy.

Been hanging out with Ceileidh and Briana, and alls well in that land.

Mrs. Alison is her wonderful self, as per usual ^_^

Work, and home, and library, and doctors appts, and family, and friends.

Exciting, huh?

Well Ceileidh might be coming over later, and I hope so, cause I need to do something today xD 

Life is pretty good right now, considering Block Island on thurs

<3

 Life is interesting.
Not bad, considering I saw Mr. Baby Luke today, and he lit up my world. My aunt Sarah said today that if it werent for the breast feeding that she provides, I would be better with him than even HER! 
Which, dorkishly, makes me happy.

Been hanging out with Ceileidh and Briana, and alls well in that land.

Mrs. Alison is her wonderful self, as per usual ^_^

Work, and home, and library, and doctors appts, and family, and friends.

Exciting, huh?

Well Ceileidh might be coming over later, and I hope so, cause I need to do something today xD 

Life is pretty good right now, considering Block Island on thurs

<3

Only Hymns upon your lips, a mystic wisdom rising with them to shore.....

Life is going okay today, except stress stress stress! However, THANK GOD,all of my final projects are DONE DONE DONE and now I just have to review and study :) A certaqin person is irritating me, but I have some things that make me feel better about it, and Icannot help but giggle because of it. OH! Ms. Alison will be here tonight!!!!!!! We are going on a super romantic date for 2 hours before she has to check in to the URI orientation. ^_^ then, on friday at 4, that girl belongs to ME! I really cannot understand exactly how much I love her, she makes me giggle and smile and feel absolutly FANTASTIC about myself! Plus, shes UBER pretty!!!! *geekgeekgeek*So I love how its been over a year and 4 months and Alison and I are still in the "your cuter,no your cuter.....I love you more, no I love you more!!!" stage. Its never altered and I hope it never does.  xD Gosh, PrideFest is going to be the most amazing EVER!!! *dances in excitement* Life is going okay!!!!

Life is being pretty fantastically amazing right now, considering I saw Spring Awakening the other weekend and Ms. Alison is going to be here TONIGHT!  At 11:06 I will finally hold her in my arms again.  Its been MONTHS. More than 4, with the exception of that Sunday I saw her for 3 hours. This is an official visit, and I absolutly cannot wait. To see her, hold her, nuzzle, AND KISS HER!!! I'm excited to see her new hair and jeans, and I'm excited to cuddle.

Dear Ms. Avila,

Just a note to say I love you, I love our relationship, and everything we are. Everytime I hear your sweet voice I cant help but smile at the beautiful thing we share together, and I get this huge silly smile on my face, and sometimes I giggle also. ^_^ I love how comfortable we are together, with everything. I trust you unconditionally, and the ways we explore our relationship continually prove that. I love you my dear, forever.

Dear You,
 
       I find it odd that it never passed through your mind that maybe your close friends were the ones who brought it up. I can assure you that we are not the immature ones here, it is those who decide to gossip and get enjoyment over causing drama. South Kingstown is a small school, and groups of friends overlap. I suggest perhaps you take a good look at what information you are sharing with your "friends", and who might overhear it. They might not be as pleased with you as your ego has concluded they are. 
      As for maturity, I'll let others be the judge on this situation: A person decides she has the power to cancel an incredibly important meeting, without consulting the others in the group simply because she couldn't make the meeting. This causes two devoted members of the group to make up the meeting by themselves, and get and organize between themselves what should have been done at the meeting with the entire group. The person who canceled the meeting is the same immature person who states to the Rainbow Coallition "I don't believe there should be a president of the GSA" and yet when it comes to YPI and other important people this person wants to impress, she proudly states that she is the president of her GSA. How is that for immature? Maybe you should stop obsessing on what two people that used to be in your life are discussing.

Honestly, I cannot believe how blind people can be sometimes.

...I just want to say hello and hope you had a great Christmas.hopefully you got the package I sent you.Im still working on this mortgage thing which is taking forever due to the strange economy we're in.Its difficult to get banks to lend right now.but my thought is to get a little land and do a garden and start learning to grow veggies and live close to mother earth.working at a salon for money to fund this project will be the comfort zone for me,as I have no experience with gardening.but florida is perfect for growing.mia is so spoiled but actually we have both slimmed up a bit from our walks.but we miss you going with us.I say to her"wheres Portia?'' and she cocks her head to the side and stares at me.tail going.I hope you are staying warm and eating well.one of my customers has a son that works on wall street and his advice is to stock up on nonperishable foods at home(like a couple months worth) because the grocery stores have a few weeks supply at best,and things could get crazy. so let people know.I hope you know you are invited to be here at any time you want.I would drive up there in two seconds and come get you if you wanted.we really need to talk about stuff.anything and everything.you are my baby thats growing up without me now,and I know its hard to be without your own mom.I also know it can be liberating to not have mom around.its a mixed thing.but moms love. at least this one does.Im not much on the computer but I love you.this email address that you had years ago is pretty much all I got,and you have mine.write once in a while.love always no matter what....mom

God bless,love Tracy



WHAT THE FUCK MOM?!?!?!?!
 You talk to me like its my dicision to be here, like I wanted this all to go like this. THINK AGAIN. YOU ARE THE ONE THAT CHOSE TO NOT BELIEVE ME, TO THREATENME AND MY NEW FAMILY AND TO LEAVE HARRASING PHONE CALLS. YOU ARE THE ONE WHO CHOSE TO DO DRUGS OVER PROVIDING FOOD AND SHELTER TO YOUR CHILDREN. YOU ARE THE ONE WHO CHOSE TO IGNORE THE OBIVIOUS TELL TALE SYMPTOMS AND TOO LET ME KEEP MY FUCKING EATING DISORDER.
YOU ARE DILUSIONAL AND BAT SHIT FUCKING CRAZY. GET SOME HELP!!!! AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!

AND BTW,  I HAVE A MOTHER FIGURE. HER NAMES DEB AND SHES NOT PERFECT BUT SHES A HELL OF ALOT MORE MATURE AND RESPONSIBLE THAN YOU WERE.

Sometimes love isnt enough mom.

I wish you would see the whole picture. Im still healing, and Im still hurting every day from what you did and didnt do. It hurts to hear that you love me...And yet you dont see what your doing.

Ugh. I get so disgusted with people sometimes that I really wish I had the courage and the gall and the lack of a freaking heart to bitch them out.....but I guess I'll just settle on screaming at my computer.

Christmas!!!! WAS AMAZING!!!! Nathan woke me up at 6:54 and dragged me downstairs to look at the gifts and make coffee to bribe the parents to get up. It was cute, and I got some pretty darn amazing things!!!! SUCH AS TICKETS TO GO SEE SPRING AWAKENING!!!!!!!! And a really nice TWILIGHT bracelet, the Twilight soundtrack, a beautiful ring, 2 more webkinz to add to my curretnt 2 (Winona the Bat, Tumbleweed the "google" -which I call a platypus- and now Vincent the walrus, and Odysseus the Koala ^_^) I also recieved SOCKS, shoes, tights, AMAZING RAINBOW HEART PAJAMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!! and some various books and otehr assortments =D But seriously, I love my Twilight bracelet. The heart is a real crystal so its super freaking pretty and the wooden wolf actualy doesnt look bad!!!!!

As for the family part, it was so much fun. Nathan and Curtis got Rock Band, which me, my grandma, my papa, my Aunt Kris, my aunt, and my uncle, and of course the cousins played FOREVER. Then we ended the night with food, and a game of Risk.

My mom didnt call.
But she did send a package with a heartwarming note and pictures from the beginnings of our adventures in FL. Like pictures from my friends at the college/hippie house and what not.

MErrrrr I miss them. But I gotta go. 3 or so days untill I see Ms. Ali!